Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

Post-baby, it is hard to imagine having a spotless mind. It is something I find myself aspiring to, but I'm not holding my breath. There are now so many things that must remain in the forethought of my mind that I often have difficulty remembering to do things like go to the bathroom or take a shower.

Mind you, I wasn't great at remembering these things before I had a child, so my close associates might think I'm exaggerating when I say this is incredibly stressful. After all, I managed to be quite successful before little Johnny came along. However, there are slight, but meaningful, differences between my pre- and post- baby brain functions.

Before I had Johnny, I had a busy career. I worked roughly 60-80 hours a week, most of them after noon. I tended to waste away my mornings checking email, getting food, having a smoke (or three), getting coffee, and generally relaxing into my day. Around noon, I would realize the day was quickly passing me by and I'd get serious. Phone calls, emails, database look ups and entries, meetings, project plans, etc, etc, etc. Around 6 or 7 in the evening, I'd start thinking about going home. Around 8, I'd walk out the door, laptop over my shoulder. On a good day, that would be it - I'd head home or grab something to eat or hang out with my (then) boyfriend (now he's my hubby), maybe hang out at the neighborhood cafe, walk the dog, read a book, talk on the phone to a girlfriend. On a bad day, I might swing by a fast food place to pick up dinner, then I'd go home and log back in - sometimes working until 2, 3, 4 in the morning.

Now ... I work about 8 or 9 hours a week and I meet with my mommy friends for 2-5 hours each week, depending on everyone's availability. I spend time reading email and looking at facebook. I make dinner for the family, cook and puree all of Johnny's food, try to make sure I at least say hi to the dog each day. I still spend time on the phone with a girlfriend, but mostly that is split into 5 or 10 minute calls scattered throughout the week. I am still busy and still have many things to get done. When I have the child, it's understandable - I can't very well sit down to 8 straight hours of work because Johnny needs feeding, changing, and attention - babies actually do require interaction and when they don't get it, they demand it in the form of babbling, then crying, then outright screaming. It's impossible (for me, anyway) to concentrate on anything while my son screams. Someone else's kid, sure ... but not so much with my own.

So then I look at the days when I have childcare lined up ... thus far, I haven't left Johnny with someone else for more than about 6 hours (beside my mother who lives on the other side of the country, so that's rare). Nonetheless, one might think I could then dedicate myself to at least 5 or 6 hours worth of work. Not so. I just don't seem capable of concentrating that long anymore. If I work on something for two hours straight, I am aware of the time spent in a way I never used to be. Even when I go into my client's office, use his computer (so no access to email or facebook), etc ... I still know I'm spending time working on his stuff.

I don't know why this happens. Even when I am working on a project that is for me - one that will hopefully bring in money - I don't seem capable of digging in and getting it done. Is this because I have "mommy-brain"? I've heard the other mommies refer to it and it is mentioned in a handful of the baby books I've seen. What benefit could this possibly have, biologically speaking? I guess maybe you just get used to functioning in interrupt mode and a few hours of relief don't really bring you back to "normal" thinking.

Maybe there is a post-partum concentration switch that gets shoved into the off position while you are dealing with a baby. In other words, it doesn't matter what you're doing or who it benefits - you can't concentrate on any task longer than a few minutes, maybe half an hour if you're lucky - because you must constantly be on alert to meet your baby's needs. You can't concentrate so much that you can no longer hear or identify your child's cry from across the room, down the hall, etc. Your baby could be in danger, might need feeding, or may just need a good, solid hug to create new neural connections.

I really hope that this passes as Johnny grows up. I want to have some semblance of my life back, and to me, that means working ... being productive, helpful, successful. I love my son to pieces and want to do everything I can to help him thrive in this world. I don't think I'm selfish to want to thrive in my own way too.