Depression and Its Ilk

It's been so long since I've written. During this time, I have swung like a pendulum between immensely happy and incredibly depressed. Several months ago, I found myself wandering aimlessly through a Barnes and Noble thinking, "I'll never be happy again, I've forgotten how." A week or so later, I was so content I thought the whole thing was behind me - permanently. Alas, it was not to be so.

The day after I returned from an out of town visit with friends, Jim told me that he had seen a psychiatrist and was going to begin taking antidepressants the next day. He has suffered from depression for years (quite possibly all of his adult life), but has resisted taking medication for it. I suspect that my own emotional roller coaster since Johnny was born has affected him more than I realized. I used to provide a lot of emotional support and I have not been capable of providing all that he needs in a long time.

Anyway, I was concerned because so many people I know have had difficulty coming off of antidepressants. The night he told me, I couldn't sleep. I spent hours pouring over the information that came with the medication and doing online research. The next day, I was exhausted.

Jim started the medication at half a dose, with a plan to visit his doctor and then increase to a full dose after one week. He experienced a few of the minor side effects - being tired, mild headaches, intense dreams, etc. From my perspective, not much changed aside from him falling asleep earlier than normal. However, within 24 hours of taking the full dose, there was a noticeable difference.

I should note that when Jim is in a good state of mind, he is quite funny. It had been a long time since Jim was so jovial. The changes I saw in him after starting with the full dose of antidepressants made clear to me that I had no idea how depressed he'd been. It seemed he was feeling much better. That's the good news.

The bad news is that Jim's sense of humor can be very cutting. I spent several weeks worrying that I could not withstand Jim on this medication. He was constantly teasing me and replying flippantly to straightforward questions. Nearly everything I said to him was met with a sarcastic reply. I was beside myself.

I began this period feeling a bit sideswiped with the news that he would be taking this medication. Now, dealing with his good spirits was eating away at me. A couple times I told him I needed to spend a day alone because I was feeling "sensitive". Eventually, I let Jim know that this was too much for me.

Fortunately, he seems to have stabilized a bit and doesn't strike me as being so manic all the time. I'm not sure how much of that is the natural process of the body adjusting to the medication and how much is a conscious effort on his part to reign in the sharp wit. Whichever it is, I appreciate it!

This whole process has opened my eyes quite a bit. Because I still struggle with depression from time to time, I am in a position to understand a bit better how he must have felt when he was depressed and I was "normal." I certainly don't wish him any ill will, but there are times when his optimism is incredibly annoying in the face of my doomsday concerns. How he put up with my insufferable positive thinking I'll never know.

I've also learned that I had built up some expectations regarding his depression. So many times during his first month on the meds, circumstances led me to dread waking up in the morning, knowing I would have to interact with a miserable husband. And yet ... it never happened. We could have an argument, bad news could arrive, Johnny could have an awful night - and in the morning Jim was always fine. Tired, perhaps, but fine. His emotions were still there, but he was able to recover from them in a way that I considered normal before I met him.

His positive outlook has continued and doesn't seem so spectacular to me anymore. Just yesterday it occurred to me that I no longer expect him to be angry with me when something negative happens. Of course he was rarely angry with me, but that's how it felt when he went into a depressed funk.

It's safe to say I still have some concerns - what happens if he has to stop taking the pills for some reason? What happens if he travels and forgets them? I can imagine any number of situations - however unlikely - during which he could have massive withdrawal symptoms. But all in all, it seems this has been a positive experiment thus far.

The only remaining negative from my perspective is that I still don't feel 100% myself. I'm not sure if that's because I'm still working on it, or if I have fundamentally changed since becoming a mom. Only time will tell.